Being in Wales and under the orders of Dynamo Drakeford movement is still greatly restricted, never mind what Boris says. Yesterday in a rebellious mood I decided to push the boundaries of about the one thing we are able to do, visit a garden centre. How you are supposed to get there has never been defined but greatly daring I got the car out. Needing some potting soil, some pots and BBQ bricks I decided to define Poundstretchers and the hardware warehouse as “Garden Centres”.

Evading the storm troopers I arrived safely at the first. I was pleased to find a notice outside detailing procedures in the store and disinfecting materials for the trolley. Inside someone had been very busy taping 2 metre boxes and arrows pointing a one way system up and down the aisles. Well done the staff. I started round looking for what I wanted and turning a corner following the arrows I met the local version of the Village Idiot walking towards me ignoring the arrows. This version was a woman in her mid 20s with a small girl in tow. She walked down the aisle picking up and putting down numerous items. Almost reaching me she turned round and walked back down the aisle picking up and putting down more items (The store had put up a guideline requesting people to refrain from handling goods more than was necessary but obviously the members of our fine teaching unions had failed to insert basic literacy into what might pass for a brain). As she reached the end I went to move forward but she suddenly turned round and advanced again, yes you guessed it, handling as many items as possible. After several more darts forward and back she and small child, who she was training to handle items, finally disappeared round the end of the aisle, so I could proceed to look for what I wanted, without much luck as the shelves had a number of empty spaces. Turning at the end of an aisle, YES there was the Idiot coming towards me going the wrong way. Quick decision – I just left and proceeded on to the next port of call.

There I gather it was first day of reopening but again staff had been busy with tapes, arrows and information notices, and also waiting boxes outside should the store become crowded. Just a a few people inside moving sensibly round so my good humour started to return as I collected the gardening materials and the BBQ necessities, the latter for our caravan holiday within the estate demanded by Junior Management (more of this tomorrow). However just as I was loading the last planters I came across Senior Village Idiot, presumably the father of the aforementioned female. This was an older shaven headed individual standing next to a “mate” and talking loudly (no not Dominic Cummings). Suddenly this character launched himself right across in front of me to grab a flower pot to examine. After examining it whilst still talking to his mate he replaced it and stepped away. Comments about social distancing appeared to pass over him. Having secured all my items I proceeded to checkout where I found several other customers waiting, spaced out within the guide boxes. Quite quickly I reached checkout where I was efficiently dealt with by a cheery lady who seemed pleased to be back at work. I returned home triumphant avoiding constabulary roadblocks.

With a bit of sense when shops in general are allowed to reopen I can see that similar systems can work and indeed be quite a pleasant way to shop, without overweight gossiping individuals blocking the aisles. What to do with the Village Idiot brigade who are too selfish or ignorant to work with a system? Got it. Forcibly ship them off for a months fruit picking.

Final thought – I bet Village Idiot female version will not send her child to school as it is too dangerous!